So sorry it’s been taking me forever to post content on here! I’ve just been struggling to keep up with every day life that I find I slack on the personal things I want to do. Days seem to go by so fast that it is already time to think about Thanksgiving and Christmas! I have so much that I want to write and blog about but taking the time just for me, I find I would rather just catch up on all the T.V. shows I watch instead of doing anything remotely productive. But times are changing and new things are happening so I feel like I need to be documenting more and sharing the experiences we are going through!
Yesterday would have been my mother’s 60th birthday. Yesterday hit me pretty hard. Normally birthdays come and go and over the years I have gotten better about them but I suppose it is because she would have been turning 60, I found myself pretty depressed all day. It was sort of the same way I felt a few years ago when I turned 30. I struggled greatly for months because it was such an important time for my life and my parents were here yet again to share it with. I have missed out on so much when it comes to them, I honestly do not know how to function sometimes. People might think I come across distant or uninvolved but it is really because I can barely hold it together alone and sometimes I just need time for myself to process everything. I truly am an introvert and social situations no matter how small usually scare the living day lights out of me. Holidays are especially rough but if I do not put on a show and please everyone, I tend to get blamed for whatever is going on.
One thing that has kept me going and made life so much more complete is my beautiful son. He amazes me every single day, with either his kindness or how smart he is getting. He still has his little struggles just like any preschool child, but to watch him grow physically, emotionally, and spiritually, has just been a pure joy. Looking at him, I know 150% that he was sent down from heaven by my parents. I see them every single day through his eyes. He’s obsessed with my monthly calendar that I have on my counter. He not only knows the months and days but how they correlate to present time. He knows what we are doing weeks in advance and I have learned that if we aren’t doing something (say I put it on the calendar to remind myself of something) to not write it down because it apparently is law, lol. Well something I always do is write my parent’s birthdays down. Not because I will forget, but to still show that those days are important. Well even though my son never will meet my parents, he knows his Grandpa Andy and Grandma Karen from pictures and stories I tell him. Well before my dad’s birthday he saw on the calendar that I wrote “Daddy’s Birthday” and he goes, “Mommy! Grandpa Andy’s birthday!” and it filled me with so much joy. Well this month was no different, I had other things listed on the day because I have other family members born on the same day as my mom, so he got a little confused. I told him that it was Grandma Karen’s birthday. He was excited and for days leading up to it he would announce that Grandma Karen’s birthday was on Friday. Well, it kinda back fired because he expected a party, gifts, and to see her. We woke up yesterday morning and he goes “Where’s Grandma Karen’s present?” I had to remind him that we physically can not see Grandma Karen because she’s in heaven. He got a little sad because it still is a little difficult explaining death and what we think an afterlife is to a small child but just seeing his love fills my sometimes empty heart.
Another blessing that I feel like my parents have given us as a family is our next journey. We are currently expecting our second child! I am almost 19 weeks! We know what the gender will be but are waiting to announce it until I go for my 20 week anatomy scan to get confirmation because you never know! But family and friends know and we are very very excited to bring a sibling to our son because that is all he’s wanted for a few years now. He is super excited to be a big brother and we are excited and slightly nervous to be starting over again. Not only worried about the financial strain that we are already under will just be getting worse, but also the physically recovery that I will have to go through. Not having much help when our son was born, makes me nervous to what it will be adding a newborn and a child together. But I have put my faith in God, and he will show me the path I need to take and guide me through my journey. I am currently working on trying to save where I can, stretching what I do, and hopefully we can get through this time before I can fully go back to work.
My future plan is get back into the school system for insurance and can maintain my children’s schedules. My dream would be to work in the library because I am great with technology (when I worked as a paraprofessional, I would be called to several classrooms to “fix” their T.V’s lol), I LOVE books especially children’s books, and I just love the library atmosphere. Unfortunately everyone feels that way and librarian jobs within a school especially an elementary schools are like the Holy Grail of school jobs, lol. Sigh, maybe one day. Even if it is just working in the cafeteria to returning to the paraprofessional life, I would just be happy with a secure job where I can still be a part of my children’s lives. I do have my degree, and would just need a few steps to become a teacher but honesty I don’t feel like that’s the path I want to take. Being a teacher now a days is extremely difficult and that’s just not what I see myself doing. I want the freedom of when I leave for the day, my job is done and I can return to being a mom. That’s the most important job I will ever have in my life, and that will above anything be my #1.
Sorry for the longer post, I had a lot to get out this morning apparently, lol! I’ve got to get ready because I am taking my son to a fall festival at his school. I hope to be able to post more soon and really try to take out time during my day to make some more blog posts. I’ve got lots to blog about! Stay with me 🙂